Depression: happy but suicidal

Depression can be one of the loneliest places to be. One in five people become diagnosed with depression at some point in their lives, months of agonising will to live. Although people recover from depression it is common for it to return after a while.

One student who has been affected by depression before speaks out for the first time, ‘I felt very isolated and alone, I felt like I had no one there for me’, Sabrina, 18. The source of her illness was due to ‘wrong friends’ who isolated her from everyone else and manipulated her into smoking, drinking and partying. She had been so wrapped up in her friends that she let herself be groomed to the extreme of thinking she was in love with that friend.

Most people don’t even realise they’re diagnosed with depression and continue to be the happy person they used to be in front of the world, however being suicidal is the opposite. Depression can make you so lonely that you start to think the world would be better off without you alive. This innocent girl fell into an abyss which unfortunately led to her self-harming after she had realised the chaos her life spiralled into: more than 100 cuts were slashed on both her arms. She drove herself to think she was a ‘burden one everyone’, which led her to plan her suicide…a Thursday, afterschool, nobody at home, with a knife and a wrist.

The only thing that saved her soul was after a friend found out she was self-harming and told her Year Leader, who then contacted her mum. She was sent to the doctor and undertook psychological treatment. Her family supported her, made her see sense and helped her understand that there was more to life than what she went through.

Although she moved schools, she unfortunately relapsed and entered yet another suicidal state of mind. She remembers screaming rape at the town centre when her boyfriend asked her what was wrong, she came home sobbing in tears with anxiety, locked herself in her room while her boyfriend explained to her mum what happened. Her mother went to check on her only to find the bed sheets stained with blood with a razor blade sitting on her bedside table. She was unresponsive throughout until she went into the hospital where they stitched her wrist up, a week later she found out she was pregnant and since then her baby has always come first. The feelings of loneliness, isolation and separation faded into overwhelming joy.

9 months later she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A miracle baby. The one thing she wishes she did was to ‘realise there was more to life than being alone and you just need to find a person who you trust and just talk to them’.


Neriah Mooneegan, Carshalton High School for Girls.