Like the majority of musicians at my school, I started playing the violin from the young age of eight years old, and I had continued music lessons up until I left primary school. I joined a String Ensemble instead of lessons, and continued to play my violin on a weekly basis that meant that my instrument was not destined to simply collect dust behind my wardrobe for months on end without ever even being thought of, let alone touched. 

 

However, a fatal flaw to this plan remained the most important factor of all- I hated the violin with a passion, and all wonder and awe of it had faded over the years. I trudged into school each Wednesday morning, lugging my huge case beside me, and inadvertently hitting anyone who came between me, the case, and a door, only to play a scratchy tune for half an hour after school and contributing the bare minimum to the ensemble. There was something very pitiful about this- I enjoyed music as a subject very much, and explored an eclectic taste in different genres from heavy metal to classical, The Smiths to The Zombies. And yet, listening to music is not quite the same as making music, in the same way that watching The Great British Bake Off is not the same as baking and eating cakes and biscuits. So my knowledge of music remained limited, and always one-sided. 

 

What changed was very sudden, and no one could have predicted this. At the start of September 2020, I read a book called ‘The Rehearsal’, which was about several girls in a high school who explore the fine line between the stage and reality. Although this spurred in me no ambition to become an actor of all sorts, I did find one thing that linked all the girls together very intriguing- they were all binded to the saxophone, and seemed to live on its music as they went through their troubled teenage years. I became astounded with this foreign instrument that had only blurred the back of my mind like a faint fog throughout my years in the music department. It wasn’t the formidable instrument that the piano or the flute was- the saxophone, with its golden plume and snaking body, had a certain bite to it. 

 

I carried on reading ‘The Rehearsal’ to understand the saxophone, and why it was able to sustain the girls living on both the metaphorical stage and in the folds of gossip around school corridors. As I drew nearer and nearer to the end of the book, I became suddenly aware that I would not be able to find a true answer to what the novel was trying so desperately to communicate, because it all ended far too quickly for me. 

 

I became confused, yet in awe with Eleanor Catton, that she could stride into my life brandishing an innocent debut book, and then permeate my very existence with new ideas, and even a completely new style of writing. So I thought that the only solution to this bemusement was to take on this new and overwhelming instrument- the saxophone. 

 

Others were sceptical at first. The saxophone is mostly viewed as a very masculine instrument, perhaps heralding back to the archaic idea that a woman is to be delicate and soft, and resigned to the traditional piano or clarinet instead, and that the force the saxophone’s low growl and bark has is too much for a young girl. Perhaps they did not think that I had the lung power, or the physical strength to uphold a large, heavy brass instrument and pull it off. It did not help matters that the saxophone was ridiculously expensive in comparison to a simple violin. 

 

I listened to jazz music everywhere I went- on the bus, when studying, in my bedroom. I discovered the greats of Sonny Rollins, John Coltrane, Yolanda Brown, Stan Getz. I watched the BBC Young Jazz Musician 2020 and had an instant admiration for Alex Clarke, who played both tenor and alto sax with such ferocity that it looked as if she and the instrument were whole, and not two separate beings that co-existed. It became more and more apparent that this was an obsession. 

 

I took matters into my own hands- I sought out a saxophone teacher, learned what reeds I needed, what type of saxophone would be best for a beginner, where to rent the instrument, what different books I needed to buy. Then lockdown came, and I was trapped inside, wearing large jumpers against the ice-blue cold and wrapping myself in jazz that blasted from my phone and tunnelled into my ears. 

 

For as long as I shall live, I will not forget the day I received a phone call from the rental store that said an alto sax had become available. It was the day after New Year’s, and we trekked to Sutton in the bleak ghost town of closed shops and empty streets, and collected a black plastic case with silver clasps, that opened up to a golden horn that shone in the dull matte of a winter’s sun. I must have watched countless YouTube videos, and fiddled with my mouthpiece over and over until the sound that resonated through my sax suddenly sounded a lot less like a foghorn, and a bit sweeter. I think that I was perhaps slightly scared of my new instrument, because it seemed so complicated and so fragile. From then on, I played the saxophone each day for hours on end, accelerating in progress in my practice book and participating in blurry Skype sessions with my teacher whilst fumbling through each note. It seemed to be more than a hobby, but a life force. The lockdown was cold and dull. We were trapped behind our desks for days and days, only to retreat to the sofa and watch television on the weekend as a reward. There was a sense of hopelessness, and it felt like an eternity. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t taken up the saxophone, my mental health would not be in good shape today. 

 

The saxophone gave me a reason to wake up on those bleak and miserable mornings; a distraction from the mounting pile of work and the ever-rising figures on the news. It was a pathway to survival, a gleaming shine in the dark evenings alone with a laptop and desk. 

 

Those months have gone, and I wish that they never return. I will be completing my grade six exam soon, and continue to play my saxophone desperately as an escape from it all, where I can retreat for hours on end without fail. 

 

Although I never did truly understand the meaning of ‘The Rehearsal’ as a whole, I did learn the most important aspect to learning a new instrument: that whilst I understood the violin and appreciated its involvement in the musical world, that would never compare to the gratitude and respect I had for the saxophone.