Recently I was techless. The laptop I purchased from John Lewis 3 weeks earlier, had passed, via fatal touchpad failure, and the trusty Samsung Galaxy mobile had decided to follow suit a few days later. The phone froze, maybe in shock, as I browsed through a fine selection of coloured Hollister ripped jumpers amid a Summer sales fest. I am aware that no man in his 40’s should purchase ready-ripped jumpers, but my middle-aged resolution is to continue to defy the aging process, despite being a balding Benjamin Button with a dadbod.

Fortunately, when asking advice from a friend who, word had it, ‘knew about phones’ the picture of the aforementioned Hollister did not embarrass or offend. It got me to thinking though, if, and it’s a big IF, I had been searching for something a little more unsavoury and the screen had frozen? I know I could not have asked advice and would not be sitting here with a resurrected Galaxy S6.

I have a belief that Internet searches are telling about society so decided to search what information we eke out in order to have a glimpse though the window of fellow man.

As I peruse the top 100 list, I surmise that internet folk are not averse to criminality, enjoy shopping, gaming, porn and sport (but not at the same time, although that is conjecture), are obese, enjoy posting selfies on social media and like watching videos.

It’s a sad indictment on society. Not one search was for ‘feminist icons’ or ‘Heroic inventors’ with which we could laud a new breed of hero. Its is a shame Professor’s Cox and Hawking don’t make the top 100.

I decided to look through the top 100 searches and concentrate on those I had never heard of. It’s an education. One of the websites, searched an atomising 400,000 times is a website I mistakenly thought was about hamsters. Now, we have 2 Ellis’ hamsters, so I decided to click to see how to tame the feral one (who has nearly taken my finger off more than thrice). Let me tell you, the website has not one small pet on parade and the name is extremely misleading. After hurriedly getting that site off my phone before the wife asked me what I was up to, I was then too scared to click on ‘Bedbath and beyond’, weighing in at 76 with nearly half a million searches. ‘Donald Trump’ came in at 65 beaten by ‘Porn’ at number 60 with 577,000 searches.

The top 10 consisted of shopping (Walmart, eBay and amazon), email (yahoo and Gmail), ‘Google’, which is a surprise: why on earth would 4.1M people go on Google and search Google? The top 2 were Facebook with 8.7m and top of the shop: You Tube.

I sit here saddened that we have collectively turned into a cacophony of droids relentlessly searching for platforms on which to post pictures of ourselves. Meanwhile we shop to relieve the depression whilst eating like gluttonous wretches for pretty much the same reason. It was at this juncture that I realised I had been looking at the search rankings for the USA. I therefore decided to anglicise it. I must say at this point I am truly proud to be British! We searched for ‘the Sales’ showing we are a bunch of bargain lovers, ‘Clowns’ (I have no idea why), ‘the Zika Virus’ and, also in the top ten searches, in true British style: ‘Tobelerone’.

The Brits, eccentric as ever, have pulled it out the bag. We have consummate knowledge of Swiss confectionary items and know the difference between Coco and Ronald McDonald and for that, I am proud. As for me, the pets haven’t eaten and I’m out of Hamster Muesli mix. If you know which website I can order some from, please furnish me as I am scared to delve into the depths and depravity of planet t’internet as I consider explaining to my girls why I traded Gingerbread and Stripe in for a lower maintenance Chinchilla.