One man joke machine and supporter of Sutton’s Theatres Tim Vine is returning to the town at the end of the month for two nights of rapid-fire gags at The Secombe’s Back Door studio.

While his brother – Eggheads presenter Jeremy – is busy training for Strictly, former Epsom College student Tim’s gigs on September 28 and 30 are sure to be a hot ticket.

To whet your appetite, here’s 10 of Tim Vine’s funniest one liners.

  • I've decided to sell my Hoover...well, it was only collecting dust – Winner of the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe last year
  • I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. – Winner of the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010.
  • Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said: “You just can't let it go can you?”
  • – that’s a site for sore eyes. – Winner of a Lafta Award in 2012.
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." 

  • I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" 
  • A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! 
  • Exit signs. They’re on the way out, aren’t they? 
  • I rang up a local building firm, I said: “I want a skip outside my house.” He said: “Well, I’m not stopping you.”
  •  I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: “That’s Abba-riginal.”