For the past six months, I have been taking part in a Young Reporter's programme, run by This Is Local London and in particular the ever helpful and quick-to-reply-to-even-the-silliest-of-emails Diana Jarvis. As part of the scheme, my colleagues and I write an article each month regarding local issues and events. I have loved it not only because writing is the place I go when I need an escape, but because it helps build real-world skills; conforming to deadlines, proofreading, researching and interacting with people in our periphery that we usually wouldn't. Another skill (which I haven't quite fully mastered) is trying to pick a worthy topic to write about.

Having faced some personal struggles over the weekend, I found myself in hospital on Monday morning. And what better thing to do while waiting for a safeguarding officer but watch ITV's This Morning?
On the show, Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby unveiled 84 sculptures, (12 on the studio and 74 on the ITV Studios Tower) to raise awareness of Male Suicide. This serendipitous item grasped my attention: I am a male and the reason that I was in hospital was because I had attempted suicide the day before. Suddenly I had an article topic.
It is a choice that I am neither ashamed nor proud of; as of writing this article I am still working myself up to have the conversation with my friends. But the experience has been sobering. I decided to share my experience, as a way to help myself take stock of it and to help others who may have been through it or be considering it.

Firstly, I want to mention the fact that I am in no way glamourising suicide. It is ugly and in no way romantic. Even if it is successful it is a painful way to die; more painful than you may find it to live. It is tragic reality and I was lucky that I don't have lasting medical problems. But it was just that... luck. The thing with suicide is that it is unpredictable. Death may seem like an attractive alternative but it is not, I realised that much in the first minute after I tried to end my life. And according to American statistics, 92-95% of suicide attempts end in survival. The methods of ending one's life often mean that the likelihood of being able to carry on with a standard of physical wellbeing is significantly reduced. While it is often difficult in a time of crisis, thinking about the situation pragmatically, you notice that adding to already existing mental or physical problems just isn't worth the risk.

Secondly, it is important to get across the immediate regret I felt. I felt a sudden shock, realising exactly what I had done and the potentially deadly ramifications. In the blind panic I called a friend who, if I was in a solid state of mind, I would have known would be in the middle of an English lesson. And then I called my Mum at work. Overwhelmed with a sudden flood of emotions at what I had just done I blubbered the message down the phone that I had done "Something bad," clarifying the details to a now frantic mother.
Clinging onto my phone and with no idea what to do, I looked out of my bedroom window, still petrified that I would die. The fear was more enveloping than anything I had ever experienced.
Fifteen minutes later, after a journey that usually takes twenty-five, my Mum arrived to find me in the kitchen, shaking and trying to (unsuccessfully) explain why I had done what I did.
I was then ferried to Queen Mary's Hospital Urgent Care, taken by ambulance to Princess Royal University Hospital and then admitted overnight.
Despite ever-supportive NHS and CAMHS staff, the entire process was excruciating. You feel foolish and selfish and pointless and empty. Children crying and flickering lights hardly makes a suicidal person feel any better.

Now, you may be reading this, feeling a little low or even having been diagnosed as depressed, thinking how stupid I must have been. You would never do something like that. The truth is, I read a similar article last year and thought the same thing. I never realised what was happening to me until it happened. So if you take anything from this article other than the fact that suicide is never an option, remember that mental health is a thing that needs checking consistently. If you notice a change in yourself or someone else, talk about it to someone that you trust. While there may be times when you think it is too uncomfortable to talk about or 'not the right time' simply consider the fact that I spent nearly six months waiting for the right time and it never was. And I attempted suicide on Monday. Visit www.projecteightyfour.com and GET SUPPORT.

There is no shame in contacting these amazing organisations. Sat in my hospital bed surrounded by NHS blue walls and a fluorescent light overhead, I was more ashamed that I hadn't reached out before I had.

Remember that whatever the time is, there is help available.

Bexley CAMHS: 0203 260 5220 (Monday-Friday 9am-5pm)
Crisis Line: 0800 330 8590
Child Line: 0800 11111 or www.childline.org.uk
Samaritans: 08457 909090
Call emergency services if necessary