WHILE the emergency services battle bird flu in Suffolk and stop the spread of Foot and Mouth disease in Surrey, firefighters in Watford had their own "close shave" with animal infection when they treated two cases of mad cow disease on Sunday.

Two large cows were found languishing in the Grand Union Canal, in Hunton Bridge, after they had escaped from a neighbouring field and went wading into the murky waters.

Sandwiched between the bank and a narrowboat, aptly named Close Shave, the animals were eventually rescued by the RSPCA and a specialist boat team.

Perhaps they fancied themselves as a new breed of showjumping cows, hoping to launch themselves over the canal with one graceful leap.

It seems, however, there may be another motive to their strange behaviour.

Rather than needing a spontaneous swim, they may just have wanted to watch some television.

Were Moo-castle United playing, or perhaps their favourite moo-vie?

THE women from that Sex in a City programme (or whatever it's called) would often debate whether it is possible to "turn" a gay man straight - or so I've been told.

Well, if they had exposed their male target to high levels of plastic, they may have been successful, according to evidence provided by a Hertsmere councillor at last week's full council meeting. To roars of political laughter not heard since David Cameron last left Gordon Brown red-faced and lost for words at the dispatch box, Robert Gamble, leader of Hertsmere Liberal Democrat Group and councillor for Bushey North, made the audacious claim that plastic can change a person's sexuality.

With an entirely straight face, he told his council colleagues: "We know that some forms of plastic contain elements which actually - not plastic bags maybe but other plastic items -can actually contain things which if I may say, have hormonal effects which can change our sexuality, which sounds to me quite serious."

Councillor Gamble failed to reveal which plastic items these may be and it is unknown whether the council will pass a motion to ban plastic forever, or alternatively, embrace it with open arms.

But rest assured, dear reader, Bushey reporter Filip Hnizdo will be straight on the case.

IT is uncertain whether Three Rivers' flame-haired council leader Ann Shaw has been exposed to unhealthy amounts of plastic.

But she was happy to camp it up for panto season, by treading the boards in a Cinderella-inspired production to promote Anti-Bullying Week at Chorleywood JMI School on Wednesday. Councillor Shaw, who recently went trick or treating dressed as a witch for Halloween, took to the stage as the Fairy Godmother, alongside communications manager Kevin Snow, who played a bullied schoolboy named Tom.

And Trinny and Susannah, not those of television stardom but the Ugly Sisters from the production of Cinderella at the Watersmeet Theatre in Rickmansworth, also took to the stage.

Just what the youngsters of Chorleywood made of the theatrics is anyone's guess, but I'm sure the vision of Ann waving a wand and preaching against nasty behaviour is enough to stop hardened bullies in their tracks.