10:20am Friday 24th April 2009
WHAT I am about to tell you will divide you between those who are happy to cast the first stone, because they are without sin and the rest who say ‘There but for the grace of God…’ This week, I travelled up to North Yorkshire to appear in court for speeding. In October last year, a policeman with a radar gun caught me exceeding 70mph on an empty dual carriageway, on a sunny afternoon, going downhill.
I was offered a fixed penalty, but because I already had nine points on my licence, I could not accept that kind offer.
So, six months later, having driven some 20,000 miles safely in the interim, I appear before three magistrates, none of whom, interestingly, ever look me in the eye once.
Their chair was a lady whose demeanour made Margaret Thatcher seem positively sweet and self-effacing.
My barrister described the effect on my life of a six month ban.
I live in the middle of nowhere and work unsociable hours with no public transport to get me home after work in theatres all over the country.
I habitually commute to theatre venues up to 120 miles away and would be unable to get home without a car. He suggested that a six month ban would cause me exceptional hardship.
My barrister told me afterwards that he knew we were in trouble when Mrs Granite pronounced, meticulously, every syllable of the word ‘parliament’ when giving him the benefit of her knowledge of the law.
Yes, I am biased, because she referred to me as a ‘serial offender’ in precisely the same tone of voice as a hanging judge would refer to a mass murderer.
But I will now spend the next 25 weeks (one gone already – yes, I am counting) accepting the generosity of family and friends, who will be inconvenienced much more than me, and discovering the joys of public transport.
Yes, I shouldn’t have broken the speed limit four times in three years (two of them were radar guns from bridges on the same Scottish motorway on consecutive days and another was a camera on an empty underpass in Docklands at 6am on a Sunday). Like many of you, I started driving when we spent more time watching the road rather than the speedometer.
Heigh ho!
Anyone want to buy a used car?
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