While sorting through the half a small tree’s worth of marketing bumf that cascades into our letter box every week, my wife spotted something in a catalogue she actually liked. So I suppose that means this deluge of advertising does work, although the hit rate must surely be insufficient to justify such profligate use of our dwindling resources. Anyway… She phoned the successful advertiser to order said desirable goods. Details were taken, including our address, whereupon the voice indicated that we were already on their database. This should have been an advantage, she fondly imagined, but that thought was soon dispelled when she was asked if she was the account holder. It appears that the last order was made by me some years previously.

The next question was whether she “had the account holder’s permission” to order something. “I don’t need it,” she replied, explaining that she was intending to pay for it on her own credit card and it had nothing to do with me. I wasn’t there to “give my permission” she added and she was not in the habit of asking my permission before spending a few pounds of her own on an article of clothing. But the possibility of two people sharing an address and being independently able to conduct a small financial transaction did not accord with the instructions on the screen in front of the distant employee.

I have encountered similar problems in the past and my reaction has depended on how much I actually want the item in question. I have on occasion simply hung up and redialled assuming the persona of my wife and speaking in my normal voice saying my name was ‘Marion Baker’. After all, John Wayne’s real name was Marion Morrison. No one yet has said that I did not sound like someone of that name. All of which highlights the absurdity of what the ‘computer says’, sometimes. How we all long for common sense to nudge its way back into our daily lives and how surprised we all are (sadly) when the person on the other end of the phone helps us to find a way round a problem rather than place it between you like the Berlin Wall.

She told the probably uncaring employee that she would therefore not be purchasing that day and would never trouble that company again by offering them her money.